Don’t waste your time or money expecting to receive revenge.  It is important to hire an attorney who will act as your “agent of reality” and will tell you what the court is likely to do in your particular situation.  You then need to evaluate whether the result you hope to obtain will justify the additional expense of the revenge you are seeking.   Will the result be any better?  Will you obtain a reasonable return on your investment?  The courts are generally not interested in helping either spouse fulfill their revenge fantasies.  There is almost always another side of the story about why a spouse chooses to stray.  While having an affair is a moral issue for most people and therefore causes a lot of emotional trauma, there are other types of misconduct that the court considers.  Trials to prove that he was unfaithful generally don’t yield the results that you want.  You need to ask yourself whether you want to spend your money on your children’s college tuition or that or your attorneys’ children.  AT THE END OF THE DAY, YOUR DIVORCE IS A BUSINESS TRANSACTION.  Do yourself a favor and act in the best interests of your “business,” which is your family and children.

2. “He wanted the divorce, so I should get to keep the house.”

Oftentimes women are steadfast about wanting to stay in the family home.  There are a variety of good reasons for wanting to do this:  the children will be unhappy and the home will provide some stability.  After all they have just been through a divorce.  All your friends are in the neighborhood.   However, there is nothing worse for you and your children than being “house poor.”  Wouldn’t you rather have the money to go on a vacation with your kids instead of having to repair the driveway?  You also need to consider that the house is not liquid (you can’t pay for groceries with your house) and keeping the house may mean that you give up all the liquid or income producing property.  It also means that in many cases you will not receive retirement monies that grow tax free.  At least consider moving to a more affordable house even if it is smaller or in a different neighborhood.

3.  “I should be maintained in the style to which I have become accustomed.”

Don’t assume that your husband will have to support you in the life style you enjoyed while you were together.  While in some cases a couple is sufficiently wealthy or has been sufficiently frugal to move comfortably from one household into two, this is not usually the case.  Your family will now have two rent/mortgage payments, two sets of utility bills, two subdivision fees; you get the picture.  Remember that the court looks at reasonable needs.  Reasonable needs do not necessarily include botox injections, trainers, country clubs and several cars for each party, when there is not enough money to pay the cost of an additional household.  If you had trouble making ends meet in one house, then you will have trouble making ends meet in two houses and something will have to change. In addition, most courts expect both spouses to seek employment.  Yes, this is difficult, especially when you haven’t worked throughout your marriage and you now have to juggle the kids as a single parent.

4. “I just want this over with!”  DON’T LET HIM WEAR YOU DOWN.  This may make things easier now, but this won’t make things easier down the road.  Make sure you get everything to which you are reasonably entitled. This does not mean there have to be exorbitant fees and years of litigation.  Just make sure you are thorough before you negotiate.  Get it now because your chance of getting significant additional monies later is significantly reduced.

5.  “What about his expenses at work that are paid for by his company?”

This is one of the biggest areas of lost income.  Benefits that a spouse receives are often considered as income by a court.  Make sure that an accounting is prepared to see whether there are benefits that need to be considered in his income.  These include car, gas, insurance on the car, medical payments, country club expenses, etc.

6.  “I’ve always relied on my husband to understand the finances and make those decisions.”

Consider your divorce a learning opportunity.  Make sure you have an accurate understanding of your income and expenses. Perhaps the biggest problem is that women frequently don’t pay the household bills.  Therefore, they do not have access to the total picture.  You need to obtain statements for every credit card and every bank account and prepare a spreadsheet of all expenses so that you understand what your true expenses are.  Don’t forget one time expenses that may be paid from another bank account, such as real estate taxes, vacations, summer camps, or other large items.  Don’t forget to go through all accounts, whether your name is on them or not.  Even if you’ve never had access to them, you are now entitled to access.  Don’t forget to think about annual gifts from family members that are used to pay bills. What about school costs paid by grandparents or family members?  Collect as many bills as possible to make sure that you have a complete understanding of all of your expenses.  Review the tax returns to see if there are assets you did not know exist.  Don’t forget to think about future expenses that you expect- costs for college testing preparation, visiting colleges, costs of computers for kids, setting up dormitory rooms.  And if all of this seems overwhelming, get assistance from your lawyer or an accountant or a financial advisor.

7. “I have medical insurance through his company, so I’ll be fine.”

Missouri law provides that if you have group health insurance coverage through your spouse and you become divorced or legally separated, you are entitled to continue your coverage until age 65.  The problem is that while you are married the cost of your coverage is probably being heavily subsidized by your spouse’s company.  Once you are divorced, you’ll be responsible for the entire premium, at whatever the cost is to the company.  It may be a LOT more than you anticipate.  Find out before you finish the divorce.

8. “I’m guaranteed Social Security benefits because, even though I wasn’t employed, my husband was.”

You only qualify for Social Security benefits through your former spouse if you were married at least ten years. It is important to calculate the time of the divorce so you do not get divorced right before you meet the ten year requirement.

9.  “I’ve never understood what all of our different accounts are?”

Understand the tax implications of all of the assets.  If you take the retirement plan, you have to pay taxes when you withdraw the money.  If you take the stock account, you have to pay taxes on the capital gains.  CASH IS KING.  If there is no cash, you will need to calculate the tax ramifications of your choices.  Don’t get emotionally attached to one asset at the cost of the overall picture; it may hurt you in your negotiations.  And make sure that an accountant reviews the tax returns or other tax issues to make sure that you receive the benefits of hidden tax deductions such as capital gains, net operating losses, etc. (If any of this sounds like Greek, don’t be discouraged.  That’s what accountants and lawyers are for.)

10.  “I’m so confused by this whole process.  I don’t always know what choice to make.”

Go with your gut.  If your attorney is recommending a behavior to you or a division of property that is not what feels right to you, then ASK why and make sure that there are good reasons for any decisions you make.  Take control now.  This is the first step toward your new life.

By:  Alisse C. Camazine

1. Don’t fall prey to your children’s manipulation. It is very common for children to take sides or for them to get angry at one parent or the other. If a child gets mad at Dad for rules and restrictions, the child will soon get mad at the rules at your house. Children frequently use their parents’ anger to get what they want from their parents. It is common for the children to say bad things about Mom when with Dad and bad things about Dad when with Mom. This fuels the fire between the parents and gives the children control.
2. Be careful what you say. Make sure the children are not within earshot when you are talking to your friends and family about your spouse. Children are smart and they know when you are upset. We can never shield them from all of the pain of a divorce but we can protect them from some of it. They too are coping with their own feelings of anger and loss. Don’t make them deal with yours also.
3. Don’t introduce your children to a new partner until you are really sure that it is serious. They need time to adjust. If this new partner is the cause of the breakup this will surely cause bad feelings. And don’t think the children don’t know.
4. Think twice before having a judge decide your case. When you put the decision about custody of your children in the hands of the court, you are asking a stranger who does not know, much less love, your children to make decisions about their future
5. Consider counseling for your children. Children who are going through a divorce have many feelings– just as you do. Along with the turmoil they experience due to the break up of their family unit, children often feel alienated from their peers and believe they are “different” somehow. It is imperative that children have a “safe” place to explore and talk about their feelings. Consider whether your children would benefit from counseling, either individually or in a group setting such as Kids in the Middle. Counseling can be an invaluable resource to families going through divorce.

1. Don’t make your child choose between parents. When you have been hurt by your spouse, it is difficult not to badmouth her. However, the result is that children feel that they have to choose between the two of you. Your children need stability in their lives and , in all likelihood, they do not see your spouse in the same light as you do. If you speak ill of their mother, it will shatter the foundation they have known. This is unfair to the children.
2. Don’t mix up your issues and your children’s. Don’t assume that just because he is a bad husband, he is a bad father. Your child is entitled to a relationship with both parents.
3. Listen to your spouse’s point of view. You still have children to raise with your soon to be ex. Don’t let your children be a casualty of your divorce. Try to agree on rules, routines, driving, homework, curfews, and other expectations that you would have had if you were still together. Even if your spouse does not communicate well with you, you need to continue to communicate information to your soon to be ex.
4. Be flexible with the children’s time. Make sure you allow significant contact with the other parent. If it is not his “time” don’t deny the kids the right to go to a baseball game with him or to his mother’s funeral. Maybe your daughter needs help from Mom at prom time. And maybe your son needs Dad to help with polishing up his basketball skills. Denying your children time will only cause depressed, angry and resentful children. The children will eventually resent you for not supporting their relationship with their other parent.
5. Don’t use your children as messengers. When you do this, they will experience the anger from the other parent. Chances are they will see the response, even if it is subtly negative, from the other parent and it will only hurt them. Your goal should be to keep the children in a neutral place and not in between you and your spouse.

A wise attorney I know once asked a client this important question:  “Do you want to spend your money sending your kids to college or your lawyer’s kids to college?”  Divorces can be very expensive, but you have many opportunities to make decisions that will preserve your precious financial resources and, hopefully, leave the money in place for your children or for yourselves.

Here are a few things to think about:

When choosing an attorney, decide what kind of divorce you want.  Do you want to settle or to fight for the sake of fighting?  Do you want an attorney whose desire to win is more important than your best interests and those of your children?

• Your attorney should be an agent of reality.  The courts won’t always give you what you want or what you think is fair and a good lawyer can keep you grounded in realistic expectations.
• Hourly rates and retainers do not tell the whole story.  The attorney’s competence and whether the attorney can delegate less complicated work to a professional billing at a lower rate is just as important.
• Expect your attorney to gather information and discuss settlement.  There is always time for a trial.  If your attorney will not discuss settlement after gathering all the information, there is problem.
• Know the risk of trial.  There is always great uncertainty and expense at trial and you may need to accept less in settlement than what you might like in a perfect world.
• Consider mediation.  Many couples are able to negotiate the terms of their settlements with the help of a neutral third party.  Your lawyers can still weigh in with advice but they will have less to do and you will end up with a smaller bill.
• Be cooperative when documents are requested.  Most documents can be obtained by the other side anyway and subpoenas can be expensive.  Give your lawyer all of the relevant documents that are in your control so the lawyers on both sides don’t have to charge their clients to get them.
• Don’t play “hide the ball” with assets, property, and debts.
• Don’t use the children as weapons.
• Don’t do things that may create emotional havoc with your spouse.  This process is expensive and painful enough without adding outside variables.
• Get professional help to deal with the emotional issues of divorce instead of using your attorney as a psychologist.  However, tell your attorney about your therapy and how it may affect your case including how you are able to deal with issues pertaining to your case.
• Don’t make any major financial moves without discussing them with your attorney first.

If you trust your attorney and heed by their advice, you may be able to save money, improve the outcome, and make your post-divorce life a more enjoyable one.

Every state has its own set of divorce laws dealing with the care of children. Missouri is no different. In Missouri, as in many other states, these laws refer to the legal and physical custody of children. Custody, unfortunately, is a word that denotes ownership and control of a child and, instead, parents should be focused on how they are going to take care of their children. Missouri courts must determine what child care arrangement is in the children’s best interests. Judges must examine numerous factors including:

• the parents’ wishes
• the needs of the children to have a relationship with both parents
• the willingness of the parents to fulfill their parental roles
• the children’s relationships with siblings, friends, and family
• which parent is likelier to allow the other parent to have meaningful time with the children
• how well the children are adjusted to their current environment
• the mental and physical health of the parents and children
• either parent’s plans to relocate to a different community
• the children’s wishes

Judges are not required to weigh all of these factors equally. For example, the desire to spend more time with Mom as expressed by a five year old child to will not carry the same weight as would those wishes stated by a 15 year old. Judges must also consider the practical aspects of the parents’ situation. If, for example, Dad travels four days a week or Mom is on call for work every weekend, the court will try to figure those issues into a workable plan for the children.

Smart parents will recognize that, once the divorce proceedings are over, they will be engaged in a long-term parenting partnership with their ex-spouse. They would be wise to recognize that they are not helping their children when they express their anger towards the other parent in front of the children. The best thing they can do for their children is to work on a long-term parenting plan that recognizes the value of both parents and that involves both parents as much as possible. After all, children are only as happy as their least happy parent. Try to negotiate a mutually agreeable parenting plan rather than having a judge impose one on you.

Sometimes the best thing you can do for the health of your family is to create some space between you and your spouse. Even though divorce is bad for children, psychologists tell us that open conflict is even worse. Many people facing this problem come to us expressing concern over whether or not moving out will be seen by the courts as “abandonment” of their families.

In Missouri, as in most states, one spouse doesn’t need to accuse the other one of any wrongdoing to get a divorce. In a “no fault” divorce, the only requirement is that the marriage be “irretrievably broken” because of “irreconcilable differences.” In plain English that means that if you want to end your marriage, a court will let you do that. Before no fault divorce came along, you couldn’t get a divorce unless you could convince a judge that your spouse had committed some bad act, such as adultery, cruelty, or abandonment.

That doesn’t mean, however, that you should leave your home without considering the consequences and doing some planning. If you are the primary breadwinner in your family you should try to work things out with your spouse so that the household bills continue to be paid and so there is money available to buy groceries and other necessities. At the same time, you will want to make arrangements to ensure you have regular contact with the children, ideally on a predictable schedule. You don’t want to be constantly negotiating over when you will have the kids in your care.

If both spouses are employed, it makes sense to come up with some means of sharing the income and dividing up the bills during your separation. It won’t do anyone any good to have your credit ratings go down the drain because you couldn’t agree who would be paying the cable bill.

Finally, it’s always a good idea to go over your concerns with an attorney experienced in divorce law before making your move. The more planning you do, the better chance you have of keeping your sanity as you go through your divorce.

Every state has different rules about how long parents can be obligated to make support payments for their children. Many end support at age 18; others allow support to continue as the children attend college.

Your former wife probably was told that support continued until age 22, because that was the law in Missouri until two years ago. Now the outer limit is 21. But that’s not the whole story.

All children are entitled to support until at least age 18, unless they get married or join the armed forces first. If a child continues to pursue a high school diploma, that support will continue until the child receives that diploma or turns 21.

If the child goes on to college immediately after high school, however, the support obligation continues as long as the child follows a few simple rules: the child must enroll for at least 12 hours of credit each semester and must attain passing grades in at least six hours of course work. The child must also provide copies of enrollment information prior to each term and grades at the end of each term to the parent making the support payments. (The parents can’t get this information on their own because children who are at least 18 years of age are considered adults and the schools are therefore not permitted to release their information to anyone without the child’s consent.) If the child is employed for at least 15 hours per week then the he or she need only take nine hours of classes each semester.

Once the child reaches age 21, however, the support ends. The support will end sooner if the child gets married or doesn’t follow the rules we just discussed.

Of course there is nothing stopping you from continuing to support your children, either directly or through your ex-wife, for as long as you want. It’s just that a court can’t make you send that support check once your child turns 21.